Friday, November 18, 2016
IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT- By Hope A. Bevilhymer
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Happy Birthday Reflections
39 years ago today I took my first breath. I opened my eyes and saw this big world ahead of me. With it being my birthday I reflect on the years past and see what lessons I have learned and apply the lessons in the years to come. Did I picture my life here at this moment... No but does anyone plan for circumstances out of their control... Again No! Here I am in the midst of a divorce and the future plans I had are shattered and now it's start over time. What lessons did I take from this past years experience. First invest in you... I lost who I was and what I stood for over the past couple years. I did not take the time to invest in myself and I gave permission to someone else. Second Life and circumstances change constantly...It is up to you to move forward and evolve with what happens. If you do not you will be stationary as the world goes on. Third keep things light spirited. Through the hustle and bustle of life we often let it drag us down and the weight can be troublesome. My advice is to not take it so seriously. If you can't laugh at certain things and have fun in the process life will be too monotonous. Go out have some good old fun whatever that may look like for you. One of the last things I learned in this past year is I am an amazing person who does great things in this world. I will not accept or allow anyone on this earth to treat me as I am not. I over looked that aspect this past year. I questioned my character and self doubted who I was. I know who I am. I am Hope. Remember to always do you. Have an awesome day.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
WHAT I LEARNED FROM CHOPPING OFF MY LEG
It has been
13 years since the last time I walked on my own two legs. It was June 26, 2002 when I chose to have my
right leg amputated below the knee. I
was born with a birth defect called clubfeet.
I had to undergo 29 surgeries before I was 25 to fix the deformity. My best option was to have it amputated. As I took my last walk on my leg before the
surgery, it was bitter sweet. I was
scared to death because I was about to make a decision that was non reversible,
but at the same time I was excited to see what the future had in store for
me. As I awoke after the surgery I sat
up and immediately reached for my nonexistent leg. It was done and now this adventure was
beginning. Throughout the years I have
been able to grow and expand as human being.
These are some of the lessons I have learned with chopping off my leg.
LESSON
NUMBER #1: THE BODY IS RESILIENT...
I am a
strong believer in the ability to withstand a pain threshold only if you are
able to silence your mind. No it does
not make the physical pain completely diminish, but it does elevate the really
bad pain that one is going through. I
was scheduled to be in the hospital for 14 days. The first couple days there was really no
pain at all. I had so much medication
going through my IV’s that I really cannot remember it being horrible. By the 3rd day the pain
started. It felt like a really bad dull
bone ache. That night it was rough I
remember sitting in my bed and the pain was becoming unbearable the tears
started to form. Then I used a trick
that I developed while growing up in the hospital. The trick is this: Think of Something Else. Take your mind completely out of the current
situation. Think of your favorite place
to visit, your favorite person (this one works really well), your favorite
memory or anything that will just remove your mind from the pain and or the
situation. You will be amazed how it elevates some of the pain.
I slowly
request less and less medication as the days passed. It was on the 5th day my doctor
entered my room and asked if I wanted to go home. I didn’t hesitate in requesting to be
released. When arriving home it was not
easy sailing. I was adjusting to not
having a leg so I would stand up often and forget there was no leg and go
crashing to the floor. The pain was
pretty horrible they had just amputated a leg so it was to be expected. There would be nights the pain was so bad
that I would be sweating and unable to get any sleep. I thought it would never end, but then it
did. My body had healed itself and I had
made it. Over the years there has been
many of times where I had thought what was I thinking in doing this. From pressure sores, blisters and being
completely sore from walking a prosthetic I thought of just giving up. The thing that kept me going is the knowledge
of how resilient we truly are simply if we allow ourselves too.
LESSON
NUMBER #2 OPTIMISIM IS KEY TO THE HEALING PROCESS
My positive
attitude has made this a whole lot easier to get through. Hours before the amputation they have you
sign your leg with a marker so that the doctor doesn’t accidentally take the
wrong one. I was supposed to just
initial the leg. As I picked up the
marker I took it and drew dotted lines all the way around it and wrote in big
bold letters “Cut on the dotted line,” I
knew that when I entered the OR room that I needed to have a good outlook on
this. That I need to look for the best
in this situation. If not I was going to
be doomed. I decided to never feel sorry for myself and to not feel regret for
the decision I had made. I had to make
the best of it. There was no other option for me.
I was about
ready to leave the hospital and I was sitting in the hall in the wheelchair
waiting for the final paper work. I
could hear crying and a girl saying to someone my life is over I cannot go on
anymore. She continued to cry and I heard a ladies voice trying to console
whomever was crying. I looked over at
the room just across the hall from me.
There was a young girl probably around 16 years old laying in the hospital
bed crying and there was an older lady standing next to her bed. The young girl had her arm amputated. This went on for a bit as the lady tried to
make it better and the young girl was saying how her life was over. I decided to approach them. I asked to enter the room and both of them
said okay. As I entered I could see the
young girl looking at me with my leg missing.
I introduced myself and it was a girl and her mother. The girl had been in a horrible accident and
they had to amputate her arm just below the elbow. I told the young girl that I had heard her
crying and I was wondering if she was okay.
She started to cry and then proceeded to tell me her life was over and
there was nothing she was going to be able to do with an amputated arm. I stopped her before she could go any
further. I said to her that your life is
not over and she was about to go on amazing venture with this. I said you have one thing going for you right
now and the rest of it is just minor hiccups in the road. She asked what the one thing was. I said to
her you are alive! That’s just it you are alive. I explained to her that she could spend her
days crying that her arm was gone or she could except it and embrace it. Then I
said again, “We are alive. I have one
leg now so what. When the cut my leg off
they didn’t cut my life off as well.” We
talked some more and when I left I could see a difference in the girl. Her mom walked me out of the room and thanked
me. She said that her daughter has not
even smiled or stopped crying since it was amputated. I realized at that moment that my outlook on
this situation was key in my healing processes.
I was not going to be able to achieve my goals without keeping my head
up.
LESSON
#3: EACH PERSONS PERCEPTION IS DIFFERENT
This lesson
is the one that I have learned more over the past 5 years. When kids under the age of 3 see me they stop
dead in their tracks. When they are in
grocery stores, restaurants or any public place they will be walking with their
parents and will just stop and stare. I
usually smile so they are not so scared.
They then look at their legs then my leg and repeat the processes. The parent realizes their kid is missing and
then comes back and grabs them. I noticed that the kid is curious more than
anything. They cannot processes how my
legs don’t match and theirs do. The kids
ages 4-7 think my amputation is something great. They processes the prosthetic as a robotic
leg. There is a 5 year old boy who lives
with me on occasion. He calls it the
robotic leg and anytime he gets injured such as sliver or scrapes the first
question he asks is do I get a robotic leg like Hope. He is ok with having a robotic leg. Most recently
attended a wedding where there were two kids.
One had to be between 6-8 and the other one was around 9-12. The younger boy asked me if that was a
robotic leg. I told him it surely
was. He then asked me how I got a
robotic leg. I asked how he thought that
I had got it. His analogy was that I was
in the Rocky Mountains and fell off the mountain and hit a tree then I hit a
rock. Causing my leg to break and then
they put a robotic leg on me. I informed him that was correct. I learned early on that the younger kids get
really scared when I tell them I had surgery and doctor had to take it off. I stay clear of letting them know it was a
doctor because I do not want them to fear going to the doctors. After the
younger kid had told me how I lost my leg his brother who was between 9-12
approached me and asked if it was a really a robotic leg. I said no its not. He then was curios on what happened. As I explained the whole amputation thing to
him he had this look of intrigue on his face.
He was asking question after question.
Unlike his younger brother he had this look of being scared or not sure
what to expect. Most of the younger kids
are the same when it comes to explaining about my leg. As for adults they are unpredictable. Each person is different when I was back East
traveling I would often get saluted and thanked for serving our country. (I have never served in the military) I
always explain that I did not serve our country. This happened a lot but only on the East
coast. Mostly on the West Coast I get
asked if it is Cancer again having to explain it is not. I have had people console me and tell me you
poor thing and then give me a look of sorrow.
Some adults do the stare then look away and then stare and look
away. Of course there is those
individuals who are not afraid to ask and just ask me what happened. As I witness these human interactions with me
I realized that each person has their own perceptions and feelings in regards
to this. That I have to adapt to each situation that arises because I have
noticed that most people are afraid of the unknown.
These are
just a few of the lessons I have learned over the years there are many more
which I may touch on later down the road.
Just knowing that my body can pretty much go through hell and still come
out on top only if I allow it too.
Through keeping a positive mind and outlook in regards to being an
amputee will continue to help me grow and become a better person because of
it. Lastly ever person on this earth views
a situation different then another person.
I am not recommending everyone go out and chop off a leg or an arm, but
without my amputation I wouldn’t have been able to experience all the wonderful
interactions and amazing things that have come from it. I am grateful that these lessons have been
presented to me. I am better person
because of it. MUCH LOVE-HOPE
Friday, March 27, 2015
The Mindful Muddled Mix Up: How to live with a Traumatic Brain Injury
**This is a taste of one of the chapters in my upcoming book
called “My Still Small Hope.” I touch briefly in this blog on what it is like
living with a traumatic brain injury.
This has not been edited yet so bare with the grammar.*
The mind is a masterful thing… It is a complex organ that controls
our smell, taste, touch, sight, hearing, body movement and our thoughts.
It was May 1993 and I was 16 years old. A split decision on
my behalf would change the course of my life forever. I was attending a birthday party of some friends. It was getting dark and the party was
wrapping up. A friend of the group was
saying goodbye to everyone. As she
backed up her car I and another friend sat on the hood. The girl put the car into drive. The other friend
hurried and jumped off and I still was on the hood of the car as she was
driving. That is the last thing I
remembered…
All I could see was blackness… I couldn’t open my eyes, but
I was choking. I thought to myself I am
suffocating. I could hear beeps and
alarms. Still unable to open my eyes I
reached up and felt a hose in my mouth.
It was thick and it was making it difficult for me to breathe or
swallow. I did the most logical thing
and pulled the tube out. As soon as that
happened alarms were sounding.
I finally opened my eyes and I was in a strange place. I did
not know where the hell I was and what was going on. A lady dressed in scrubs leaned over and
said, “Hope you have been in an accident. You have been on a ventilator for
several days and we need to put the tube back in.” I was baffled at what was going on. There was
a bunch of commotion around me. They
tried putting the tube down my throat and I was scared. I didn’t know where I was and what was going
on. I started to become combative as
they placed the tube in my throat. They
strapped my arms down to the table, while they put the ventilation tube back
in. It is an experience that will echo in my mind forever.
Later that afternoon I was removed from the ventilator. Unaware of what events took place days
prior. My mother explained that I had fallen
off the car I was riding on. When I fell
I struck my head on the pavement. Which
had caused a fracture on my left temporal lobe and the force of me falling had
made it spiral all the way around the base of my skull to the right temporal
lobe She went on and said that they had
to life flight me from the park to the hospital. By the time I arrived to the hospital I had
coded in flight and I was having multiple seizures. I slipped into a coma and they were trying to
reduce swelling and bleeding on my brain. I had been in the coma for 4 days
now. The pain in my head was unbearable. I couldn’t sit up, lie down or do anything
without it feeling like it was going to explode. I had sustained the skull fracture,
dislocated shoulder, broken tail bone and was banged up. I felt like a truck had hit me.
Laying in the hospital bed my mom brought flowers into the
room. She had me smell them. I told her
I couldn’t smell them. She had me try
again. I still couldn’t smell them. She got different things like lotions and
smelly stuff to see if I could smell them and nothing. The doctor informed me that due to the fracture
and swelling it had affected the smell region of my brain. My smell was gone… Not
till after I came off the feeding tube did I realize my taste was gone as
well.
It was time for me to go home. I was in the back seat of the
car while my mom drove home. It was a
rough ride home. The car ride was making me dizzy and sick. She would pull over every couple minutes to
sit me up or lie me down. My head wanted
to explode. A normal 20 minute ride home
took us a couple of hours to get home. I felt hazy and unable to concentrate. I
slept most of the time when I got home.
Sleeping was difficult.
I would fall asleep and start to dream there would be white flashes
every so often. These flashes reminded me of flash from camera going off. It would get so intense that it would wake me
up. I would have dreams night after
night of me dying. It didn’t matter what
was going on in the dream I would end up dying.
My mother had to sleep with me on some nights just so I could rest. My sleeping patterns changed from then
on. I am able to function on only a
couple hours of sleep.
Couple weeks after I had arrived home when the first one hit
me. I was standing one moment within a
blink of an eye I was waking up on the floor.
I felt drowsy and out of sorts. I
was not sure what just had occurred. I
thought I had just blacked out or something.
That was not the case. I just had
experienced a grand mal seizure. For days following the seizure I felt like I
couldn’t think straight. I was on a high dose of seizure meds. The doctor explained that I would have
seizures probably for the rest of my life.
I would have to maintain them with medication. The grand mal seizures continued until I was
21. I have been clear of seizures since
then. To this day I am still susceptible
to have them. The down fall with
seizures is they will rear their ugly head whenever they want to. You have no control over them.
I adapted having no smell, no taste, seizures and the
occasional headache. Little did I know
that there were bigger issues then the just the physical aspects. I felt like I
was constantly loosing stuff. I would
try to back track and figure out where I put something. I wouldn’t be able to remember. The doctor
explained to me that I had damaged the part of my brain that had to do with my
long term and short term memory. Not
able to remember conversations that I just had or where I had placed my keys.
It was frustrating to the point I thought I was loosing my mind. I would flake
out on commitments I had with people because I would forget.
This was not working for me I needed to figure out a way to
remember things. I started to carry a
little note book around with me. I would
write everything that came to mind down in this book. It was a great way for me to reference
conversations and things I needed to remember.
I still have a book that I carry.
I also came up with a way to memorize things. I take visual pictures in my head of
everything I come in contact with. I
will stare at something for a minute so it is imbedded in my head. This was a great tool for me when I would
loose material items. When I lost
something I could flash back through the mental pictures I had taken and locate
the item. I do this with people as well.
Often people wonder why I am staring at them. If they only knew that I am just snapping a
memory of them so I don’t forget it.
Imagine having an experience with someone and not knowing if you will
remember it tomorrow or a year from now.
As I get older more and more issues arise from having a head
injury. Several years back I started
uncontrollably coughing anytime I ate food.
I was aspirating food into my lungs.
I would cough so hard that it was difficult to breathe. I went to the doctor and they found out that
due to my head injury I had forgotten how to swallow. How could this be possible? I didn’t have these problems previously. All these years had passed and now I was
experiencing this. I had to go through
occupational therapy to remember how to swallow again.
The list can go on in regards to my head injury. I have just barley scratched the surface on
the extent the damage I received. I do
not tell you these things for sympathy or anything of that nature. My hopes are to bring awareness to the
severity of Traumatic Brain Injuries. No
two people are the same when it comes to trauma to the brain. If you look at me physically you wouldn’t be
able to tell that I had a Traumatic Brain Injury. You wouldn’t be able to tell that I couldn’t
smell or taste. You wouldn’t be able to
tell that I am deaf in one ear, I will forget things, I am vulnerable to seizures
and many more things. I vowed not to let
a Traumatic Brain Injury control my life. I have been able to adapt and to
figure out what will work for me. It is not always easy and I wish I could
explain everything that I have experienced with having a Traumatic Brain Injury.
Sometimes it is even difficult for me to wrap my head around my Mindful Muddled
Mix Up. Through all of this, it helped me come to the conclusion that you will
either let the disability own you or you can own your disability. It was not a hard choice to own my disability
instead of letting it consume me.
MARCH IS NATIONAL TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY AWARENESS MONTH
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
To FACE PALM or To FACE PLANT that is the question?
BY HOPE A. BEVILHYMER
Too Face Palm or Face Plant that is the question… You are
probably wondering why I would want to do either. By definition to Face Palm is to physically
place your hands flat across your face in a gesture of frustration,
embarrassment, shock, surprise or disappointment. To Face Plant is that you
fall, and land directly on your face. In my metaphoric world these are very
important in decisions I make.
I have Face Palmed many of times over choices and decisions I
have made. Most of the Face Palming has occurred because I allowed fear to over
run my decisions. Fear by far can do
damage so deep that it can be difficult to bounce back. There have been opportunities and
relationships where I have allowed the fear of the outcome to waiver my
choices. I started to realize awhile ago
I don’t like to Face Palm myself. I do
not think anyone would like to do it over and over again. With the frustration and disappointment that
I was experiencing I figured this was not working and I needed a change.
One day I was faced with an opportunity to change my career
choice. I had other ideas of were I
wanted my life to be and what I wanted to accomplish. All of these thoughts and
ideas I had did not include my further employment with this company. It
made no logical sense for me to just up and quit. By no means did I dislike the company I was
working for. They treated me well and I
loved working with my coworkers. Day in
and day out it was eating at me that I needed to up and quit. I had no back up employment…I knew I would be
in a financial struggle…Then I let this little thing called Fear of the UNKNOWN
creep up on me. I started to doubt my
decisions. I started to question everything about it. It was driving me mad!
Then I thought to myself… You know what how many times have
I faced fear in the eyes and won. How
many times have I thought that something is not going to work out and it just
fixes itself? I decided that day too
FACE PLANT it… This was the action of letting go of all fears, all doubt, all
hesitation, and all worries and just go for it.
When I let go of all those negative butt kickers and just FACE PLANTED,
I quit that day. To this day it was one of the best choices that I made.
I think of Face
Planting is just that letting go of the negative and going all in with the
decision or choice that you made. Sometimes the outcomes are not always what
you hoped for, but you have learned something along the way. So ask yourself before you make a choice or
decision… Do you want to FACE PALM yourself because you should of… would of…
could of… done something, but you let FEAR of the outcome to get in the way or
Do you want to FACE PLANT and let go of all the negativity, fear and what if
and see a beautiful landing that you will hear people say nice FACE PLANT..
Monday, July 7, 2014
Lessons From a Father: Lesson 5
5 Lessons from a Father
By Hope A. Bevilhymer
Whose Laughing At You?
LESSON NUMBER 5:
LESSON 1: REMEMBER THE 5: This lesson was about the people who are in your life.
LESSON 2: THERE IS A STORM BREWING: This lesson discussed how there are storms that arise within our lives. It just depends on how we weather the storms.
LESSON 3: DON'T BE SO DUMB: This lesson talked about how we should use our brains to accomplish things. Work smarter, not harder.
LESSON 4: FAITH IN HUMANITY: This lesson discussed how we should keep to our word. If we say we are going to do something we follow through.
( You can read all these in my blog)
Which brings us to the last of these lessons. Whose Laughing at You? The answer to that question should be yourself. Because if you can not laugh at yourself, then who can. Through all the trials and tribulations that us as a family has endured, I have learned the most valuable lesson from my Father. If you can not see the humor in things your doomed.
My Father had two laughs. One was something was funny and made him laugh and the other was he was up to no good. As kids he would start water fights with us in the house.(My Mother did not approve) He would start WWF (WWE for those who are younger) Wrestling with all of us kids. We purchased him a paint ball gun for Christmas one year and he decided to tag everything in the yard including my mothers lawn statues. It was a winter pink mess. He would leave a cup of water on the top of the door sill leaving the door open slightly and when you opened it the water would fall on your head. He was constantly joking around and keeping things humorous in the house. I think he learned it from his mother my Grandma Bevilhymer. She was quite the prankster as well. She would start food fights for no reason and go on the slip n slide with us. I remember one time we were leaving my grandparents house. I was fairly young and we said goodbye to our Grandpa. We couldn't find my Grandma to say goodbye too. So we decided to leave. When we left we walked out on the front porch and proceeded to get hit with 5 gallons of water. My Grandma was standing on the roof with a 5 gallon bucket of water waiting for us to leave. She dumped it on most of us and said "Bye Love You."
I learned humor early on as a kid and I am quite the funny person if you are around me long enough. I think with this lesson I was able to cope a little better with all the things that have been thrown my way. I remember when I first had my leg amputated. It was difficult for some people to handle. They would act like I had a terminal illness and this was it. From day one of the amputation I have done nothing but find the humor in it. I made a choice to have it done so now I am stuck with whatever challenges it has in store for me. I mess with people all the time when it comes to my leg. It was a couple weeks after my amputation and several of my friends were going to go Lagoon. I was bored out of my skull and I wanted to go. I still had stitches and the cast on. I ended up going. We went on every ride and even did the 150ft sky drop. We were getting ready to go and it was late. They wanted to go on the Haunted Castle ride. So after the ride was over one of my friends was going to get my wheelchair. ( I did not have my prosthetic at the time) I got off the ride and instead of waiting for my friend to get the wheelchair. I had a brilliant idea to hop to the wheelchair. As I did this I caught my sandal on crack in the ground and tripped. When I tripped I landed on my stump full force. Every imaginable pain sensation was going through my body. Lagoon did not know what to do with me so they got one of their stretcher things and took me to their medic area. My stump just hurt and I had cut open the other leg by falling. The medic from Lagoon came to me with a serious look on his face, he was carrying a clip board. He started to write down some stuff and then he looked at me said what exactly happened. I said in the most serious voice possible... I was riding the Samurai and my leg fell off. Can you help me find it? He had wrote down the whole thing. We ended up telling him what happened, but it was a crappy situation that we were able to look back and laugh.
So as I wrap up this lesson thing. Don't take life so serious...We only have one of these lives so have fun with it. If you truly look back on some of the most happiest times of your life... What were you doing? Probably laughing at one point or another.
** Stay tuned next weeks blog is called: Too FACE PLANT or FACE PALM that is the question...
www.hopeabevilhymer.com
Monday, June 30, 2014
Lessons From A Father: Lesson 4
5 Lessons from a Father
By Hope A. Bevilhymer
WORD
LESSON NUMBER 4: True Faith in Humanity
I am saving the best ones for the last. This is by far a lesson I have kept with me as long as I could remember. My Father taught me that your word is your bond... Whatever you say you are going to do... You do it.
He worked graveyards when I was little so bonding time was limited to the afternoons when he was getting ready for work. I always remember he would say to us sometimes would you want to go rollerskating in the morning. Knowing he would just be coming off a graveyard shift. We would say yes that would be fun. Sure enough the next morning he was ready to go rollerskating with us. He would do this often with all sorts of activities. As I started to get older is when I noticed whenever he said he would do something he would do it. I thanked him one day for assisting me with a friends vehicle that had broken down. I thanked him because no matter the situation if he said he would be there, he would. I never had to question if he was going to not show up. He told me in a very firm voice "Hope, if you say your going to do something...Then you do it. You do not back out,You give it your all in everything you do. Your word is worth more then you will ever know." He then went on to explain to me that there will be people in the world who will say they will do something... and they don't. He went on stating they can talk all they want about what their going to do, but its those who do it that will have the most reward.
As the years passed I noticed myself applying this lesson to all of my life. This included relationships, my work ethics and other aspects. When you keep to your word you build a characteristic within you that is one that people value. Recently this subject come up with my spouse and I. Every year for my spouses birthday we go camping. I had scheduled the camping trip in March and we were not going to go until the first week of June. So planning for the camping trip was in motion. At the end of April I received an invitation to play a show with my band The Feros Project at a major festival. The date of the performance was the first week of June. Our band was going to be paid a good amount of money to play and the exposure was going to be great. I had a problem though... I had already committed to go camping with my spouse. I sat down to talk with my spouse and they said "Well do what you want, but we had made a previous commitment." I knew at that moment what I needed to do. I had made a commitment to go camping and I needed to keep to my word.
Keeping to your word is very simple and this is me reaching out to you. I keep my faith in humanity that everyone applies this lesson to their lives. If you say you are going to do something...Then do it. You will see a transformation in your life. Your decisions to do something will be easier. Keep to your commitments that you have for yourself and for others. I will keep to my word and continue to do the weekly blogs!! Stay tuned for the last lesson of the 5 part series.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)